Battling Burnout

The Road Warrior Life isn't for everyone. It comes with a demanding schedule.  It is emotionally, physically and mentally exhausting.  Waking at the crack of dawn to catch your flight, at times running through crowds of people pulling luggage in airports, up and down escalators to make connections on time and in one piece, adjusting to different time zones, living out of a suitcase week to week, being gone from the place you call home... your pillow, your pets, your favorite coffee mug and your own linens for at least 90% of the time while still trying to remain connected to your people is, in a nutshell, extremely challenging.  Not juggling fire challenging, but it often feels that way.  Sometimes it feels like walking through a car wash at full spin cycle. That feeling...that is called Burnout.  People I meet on the road, my friends and family ask me all the time, "how do you do it?" In the beginning, the answers came freely and effortlessly.  "The excitement of exploring new places and meeting new people, the spontaneity of the schedule, new and interesting challenges, rewarding reactions from people who struggled through the transition but finally got it!" All of these flew freely from me three years ago.  Burnout was never an option in my brain.  But today...today the responses are stuck behind silent stares and canned answers.  Today I struggle to remember my reasons why.

A day in the life...
3:30am Alarm goes off. Quickly get up to silence the alarm and save my husband's sleeping hours.  By the light of my phone, I find my way to the bathroom to get ready.  Pre-packed suitcase is waiting by the door where I add the remaining toiletry items I just used and zip it shut. Tiptoe over to the bed to place goodbye kisses on my husbands forehead then give the dog a farewell pet before heading out the door.  
4:00am Exit hotel room, catch the elevator to the lobby where I'm greeted by the night security staff who offer me a breakfast bar from behind the counter because breakfast isn't out yet. I've become a regular to the night staff here at the Knoxville airport Hilton so they look out for me which is really nice. 
4:06am Exit hotel and make my way through the breezeway to the airport. 
Side Note: some of you may be wondering why I am walking to the airport.  Since my under construction log home is nestled remotely in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee in an area where you carry your own chainsaw and strap in the back of your 4WD vehicle because tree branches that fall under the pressure of inclimate weather are not cleaned up by the county workers. Mountain folk are typically not in a hurry.  In fact, there is no rushing on those narrow switchback roads which makes for an unpredictable and rather unsafe trek at 2:00am which is why we make the day of it on Sunday together, hang out in the city, have a nice dinner and stay over at the airport hotel utilizing all those travel points I've earned over the last 3 years.  Makes life much easier this way.  OK, back to the story...
4:15am check into flight on the Kiosk, check bag with the airline clerk then head to security.  I'm fortunate to have a small airport that doesn't require me to arrive 2 hours ahead of scheduled flight time.  Time in line is minimal here.  
4:30am locate gate 10 which isn't hard here in Knoxville with only two terminals to choose from even the foggy morning people have good odds of wandering to the right one.  Another perk of remote living, make it through security and arrive at gate with 20 minutes to spare before boarding.  That doesn't happen in the city airports.
4:59am boarded on first flight of the day.  
5:29am depart from Knoxville, headed to Atlanta. Estimated arrival time 6:49. I've already planned out by breakfast spot in Terminal B. My favorite spot in the Atlanta airport.  Ear buds in, music on, time to fly. 
6:50am land in Atlanta. Since I have enough time, I opt to walk through the terminals to get my steps in for the day (yep, for the whole day in one airport! lol) 
7:15am make it to my breakfast spot, Cafe Intermezzo, the coolest cafe/book store combo! You must try it! Delicious coffee! Great way to start the day! A fabulous perk...pardon the pun. 
7:33am check flight status only to discover a gate change notification which is located at the opposite end of the terminal. Wrap up remaining breakfast morsels, wave for check, request to go cup for my coffee and make a mad dash through the maze of people.
7:59am board plane; sitting next to lady with small child. 8:29am in the air, headed to Kansas City. Child has motion sickness, pukes in airsick bag. Mom brings child to the bathroom to clean up.  Comes back, still smells like puke. My breakfast is now talking back to me. Remaining morsels no longer appetizing.
11:29am land in Kansas City. Central Time now so wind back an hour. Managed to keep breakfast down.
11:45am bag retrieved; head outside to catch the bus to Rental Cars
12:09pm arrive at Rental Car location. Cross 3 curbs, 1 escalator and a parking lot...luggage in tow...cardio in!
12:29pm finally get through the line at the rental car check out booths and headed to the clinic. 35min drive.
12:45pm stop at Jimmy John's (crazy fast service...guaranteed!) drive thru and continue on. 
1:00pm arrive at office.  Stop in restroom to remake the 'up since 3:30am and 2 flights face and hair' and proceed to office. 
1:05pm fumble with door code combinations, running through the many door code combos I've encountered over the last year, finally remembering the correct code, open door hoping to slink into the side office to regroup before the onslaught of questions, but instead immediately greeted by stressed out staff who view you as the life preserver that has been flung at them from the rescue boat to their spot in the sea where they have been frantically dog paddling since 8:00am. One by one they spout out their pleas for help. With reassuring words, I pull my computer and phone from the bag then follow along promising to find the others in the order in which their request was submitted.  A walking hold recording is what I'm reduced to at this moment but despite my tired body, my mind focuses on finding resolution for these folks who are the reason I am here. 
2:30pm find my way back to my bag and settle into the desk to catch up on emails.
3:00pm another crisis...the dreaded error message in the middle of a busy clinic.  All are up in arms! 
3:30pm crisis resolved...all is calm...chaos management achieved. 
4:00-5:00pm cruise the corridors, peering in on my peeps allowing my presence to project peace.
5:15pm doctor with end of clinic questions signals for assistance
5:45pm exit office, pause to exchange pleasantries with the cleaning staff entering, head to hotel.
6:30pm flop myself in an exhausted heap into the oversized armchair of the hotel lobby as I wait to be checked in. I glance down at my phone and catch the crookedly cute grin of my 3 year old grandson and suddenly tears sting my eyes.  The phone rings and it's my husband calling to tell me that the dog had to go to the vet today because he stepped on something outside and he's OK but, 'where is the Neosporin we bought last week?' I walk him through the house to the medicine cabinet where he discovers the tube, but the mental walk through of home has me swallowing down the lump in my throat and new tears are welling up in my eyes threatening to spill over.  
7:00pm The hotel clerk waves my turn so I end the call and make my way to check in.  It is now 8:00pm Eastern Time for me and I've been awake since 3:30am so I am only partially hearing the wifi instructions he's reciting. My stomach is tuning in for room service information. My mind and body follow it's lead up to the room.
7:05pm Unpack clothes, sort out toiletry items in the bathroom then work out cramped muscles with some yoga stretches and meditation to settle my mind.
7:35pm Room service arrives. Settle into comfy corner chair, catch some news then shower and bed for this sleepy soul. 

Rise and repeat weekly.  That is only the Monday scenario which repeats itself on Thursday afternoon often accompanied by flight delays, random connection city stayovers and next day struggles to make it home. Mostly the rest of the week on site is only moderately muddled with crisis and chaos prevention but instead more centered on change management.  I've learned a great deal from witnessing the way people react to change.  Human behavior is wired to resist change.  I have witnessed the extremes from elephant tears to toddler tantrums.  Most are not directed at me and a reactionary period is necessary for people. After all, for these folks it is as if someone has come into their home, rearranged their furniture, updated all their appliances and electronics and they are still stubbing their toes on the newly positioned corner table.  
Side Note: Statistics show we spend more time in our work environment than we do in our own home. 

Change management is expected.  Behavior management comes with that and is expected.  It is when the discontent is directed at me that I find my defenses are diminishing over time from exhaustion.  Do you remember dodge ball in middle school physical education classes?  Do you remember being the one dodging the ball?  We were young then, agile and quick.  Imagine that same scenario only your body is tired and your are weighed down with the gravity boots of life but the balls keep coming rapid-fire like and so you desperately dig deep for some sort of telepathic powers to block them! At the point this analogy came to me, I realized that it isn't the travel days that exhaust me, it is this constant dodging and deflecting of drama that exhausts me.  

Here is how I knew for certain I was burning out.  My 'ah ha moment'...only not Oprah level ah ha moment. Recently one of my co-workers was injured, pretty severely while jogging one morning.  She slipped and fell face first on the pavement suffering a concussion and facial fractures. She was hospitalized for this and then eventually sent home to have further procedures. She was off the project. She went home.  When news of this filtered through our team, we were all horrified to hear the news of her traumatic injury.  But there was this lull of silence that followed which contained a homesick feeling that was almost palpable amongst us with the realization that she got to be home. We made jokes about it. That is our coping mechanism.  She would have joked with us and did when she returned weeks later.  But all of this had me thinking. Analyzing.  I mean, that is what I do best. That is why I do what I do.  The puzzle pieces were mostly all still in the air at this point, hovering over and considering their spot but in my mind I had sorted it out.  I knew it was time for a change.  I had to change up my position from defense to offense.  I needed to put myself in the driver's seat instead of being driven. In that moment of realization, I pondered these points. 

1. Put Yourself at the top of your To Do list 
2. Make time for YOU - only you...no excuses...block time on your schedule.
3. Create Boundaries - establish routines and stick to them!
4. Remain Connected to Home - a river rock in my pocket reminds me of my happy place. Regularly scheduled Facetime with my family and friends is a must.
5. What is your Why? - remind yourself of the reasons you do what you do.

My reason? The people. I am there for those I encounter along the way.  Burnout happens to us all in one way or another.  It can bring us closer to ourselves and our passions if we let it.  Find your why.  Let it be what you are driving towards. I never want to forget the people behind the process.  That is my passion.  That is what brought me to this place in my life and that is why I do what I do.  I don't always understand it and often struggle with trying to understand but it isn't about me.  It is about doing my part to make this place we live in a just a little bit better. 

Kansas Chaos

Kansas.  Home of Dorothy, the Tin Man, Scarecrow, Cowardly Lion and several other childhood characters from the Wizard of Oz who give this otherwise unappealing area some mention in my mind. It is also, in my opinion, the second windiest city in the US.  I’m fairly certain that Toto flew by yesterday in a gust of wind! It is crazy windy here!  And scary! Not Chicago city streets scary by no means, but scary in its own weird west, Wizard of Oz, way.  Let me explain.

My third week in Wichita, the headline on the newspaper read, "Largest Wildfire in State History Ravages Kansas".  Over 400,000 acres in Kansas on fire, which started as the annual farm burns the locals tell me.  The embers from this fire are being carried by the wind causing smaller fires which is why the fire continues to spread. Some of these embers landed in the mulch outside my hotel one night, caught fire and spread up the side of the building. Yes, of course it was the side my room was on! The alarm went off at 2:30 am but I was like, “oh no way am I getting up for another test in the middle of the night unless I smell smoke or someone bangs on my door!” So, I didn't and indignantly rolled back over, put the pillow over my head and went back to sleep. About that time I heard a man yelling and banging on doors in the hallway was when I smelled the smoke. I’ve never been more awake in my life! Jumped from the bed, frantically searching for pants and shoes, snagged my wallet and phone as I hurried out the door where the threat became super real for me.  There was smoke rising in the hallway forming a cloud.  People were scurrying all around me dragging their luggage behind them. When I noticed that, I paused for a millisecond thinking maybe I should go back for mine. I didn’t have that thought for long because as I turned to go back to my room, only I didn’t realize until that exact moment when I saw tips of flames flickering through the window at the end of the hall.I was on the third floor. THE THIRD FLOOR!  My decision to go back for luggage was made rather abruptly followed by a few fear induced expletives! I got outta there in a hurry unable to recall any contents of importance contained in my luggage. Funny how fear of losing our life puts a whole new perspective on our previously packed belongings.  That was my second week in Kansas. 

The next week, I learned that the state sounds the tornado alarm for testing every Monday at noon. This would have been good information to know prior to the testing but unfortunately that is not how it went. See, what had happened was my plane landed at 11:17 a.m., taxied to the gate for a few minutes, a few minutes more to deplane the passengers, a quick but necessary stop at the bathroom for me before heading to baggage claim.  I’m sure you are following the timeline in your mind with me by now.  Wait for it....

Waiting for my luggage to come through the turnstile usually takes several minutes of visually sorting through the sea of black suitcases. I remember noting to myself that once again I had failed to remember to purchase one of another color as I had promised myself each time I visited baggage claim.  I questioned myself on that non wise decision deeply consumed in a world of possible luggage styles and colors when I spotted the blue HCA tag coming toward me. Worming my way through the crowd of people, I leaned in waiting for it to pass by.  At the precise moment that my fingers wrapped around the handle, the blaring began.  If you  haven't had the pleasure of hearing this sound, let me enlighten you so you can understand my reaction a bit better.  it is the same as an air raid alert.  AN AIR RAID! The handle on my suitcase may as well have contained one of those electric hand buzzers. Imagine the chaos that could result from this, right? No, it did not.  Apparently, I was the ONLY one who was unaware that it was a TEST! Very unfortunate to find this out as I was being coaxed out from my secure position under the chairs! Ugh! That was not cool. At all. 

Then, the next day ash was all over all the cars in the parking lot of the hotel. The smoke in the air was thick enough to make you cough and gag and created barely visible driving conditions. I was stunned how people here seem not to be phased by a damn thing!  They just keep on plugging along as if it was a bright sunny day.  I made my way to the office building where I’m working, certain I’m going to get black lung from all of this smoke inhalation, set down my bag in the breakroom and dammit if there wasn’t another fire alarm! But no one went anywhere! Ok, see if you’re remembering the first paragraph here then you know that this girls Momma didn’t raise no fool! I left those people in my dust! High tailed it down 4 flights of stairs out to the parking lot where I was sure to find the rest of the buildings inhabitants. Nope, not one. Only me. Yep, that’s right. I’m convinced these people have all been part of some sort of alien testing out here in this weird west! 

I’m just trying to maintain my wits at this point! (shaky hands clinging tightly to my coffee cup). I’m going on my 5^th week here and found out I’m here until the end of June. Just in time for tornado season. Perhaps I'll search for the yellow brick road to consult with the wizard. The Cowardly Lion made out pretty well with him, so there may be hope for me!

One thing is for certain.  When it is time for me to move on to the next assignment, I will perform a shiny red shoe heel click before I board the plane while simultaneously pronouncing, "deuces!"